


In A Heartbeat

by mjnyards



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Aftg au, M/M, Soft! Andreil, book canon, i'm terrible at tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 13:20:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12169689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mjnyards/pseuds/mjnyards
Summary: Andrew's heart starts to act up as soon as he meets Neil Josten, this would be a problem. But Andrew's dealt with lots of problems before, he can certainly handle a 5'3" striker from the middle of nowhere.





	In A Heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> This is of course inspired by the beautiful short film by the same title and by piperandkatoptris's tumblr post but I decided to extend this into a longer piece.
> 
> Also this has not been beta'd I read it over myself but bear with me.

There was something about Neil Josten, Andrew knew it from the moment he saw him but he wasn't sure what it was. He felt something rise in his chest when he walked into the dingy locker room in Millport, Arizona. It was probably just a reaction to the change in weather or something so he ignored it. 

He couldn't expect much from a name like Neil and he was right. The boy standing next to his Exy coach didn't seem to be anything special. He had dark brown hair and eyes to match, Andrew guessed he was about three inches taller than him, not that it mattered. He'd still be able to control him like the rest of the Foxes. 

After one glance at him out on the field, he walked into the locker room and picked up a spare racquet. It wasn't long before he was visited by the guest of honour they just had to come out to the west coast to find.

He realized quickly that Neil hadn't seen him as he tried to make a swift getaway. Kevin had told him to make sure that Josten didn't leave but he hadn't elaborated so Andrew made do the only way he knew how. He slammed the racquet he'd taken into his side and Josten collapsed onto the ground.

He heard him try to gasp for air on the ground but then Coach walked in to stand beside him.

"God damn it, Minyard! This is why we can't have nice things."

Andrew ignored the tone of his voice and straightened his racquet before saying, "Oh Coach. If he was nice, he wouldn't be any use to us, would he?"

“So you decided to break him?“

"You'd rather I’d have let him go?" He flicked a look at the boy clutching his stomach on the ground, "Put a bandaid on him and he'll be good as new."

Wymack shot him a look that Andrew pretended not to see as he helped Josten to his feet and dusted him off.

Josten finally looked at him as if he was sizing him up. Obviously incorrectly telling himself that he had the few inches in his favour and he could take Andrew. He stared back, trying to see what exactly had Kevin so interested in this boy from the middle of the desert.

He looked into his brown eyes and saw there was something off. It looked like there was a ring surrounding them. Contacts, probably. Painfully boring, he was nothing more than a math geek who tried to turn into a jock. This was nearly enough to make Andrew lose interest entirely.

Josten had been staring too long, Andrew didn't like that.

"Better luck next time." He said pairing a smile with his signature two finger salute.

"Fuck you. Who's racquet did you steal anyways?”

"Borrow. Catch.” Andrew tossed it to the other boy.

The Arizona coach walked into the locker room, immediately going to his player.

"Neil. Jesus, what happened?” He caught him by the arm and straightened him out.

Wymack grimaced, “The word manners isn’t exactly in Andrew’s dictionary.” He walked to stand between the two of them.

Andrew read the warning and threw his hands up before leaving the locker room.

"He break anything?" He heard before the door shut behind him.

-

Andrew thought his view on Josten was pretty clear from their first meeting but that was until Wymack told him to get Mr. Nobody from the airport a few weeks later. Josten hadn't seen him at first so this gave Andrew a second chance for a first look.

He realized that in a certain lighting, some people might consider him handsome. He had this look on his face that made it clear he was looking for the fastest way to the nearest exit of whatever room he was in, it was weird but it worked for him at the same time. The way he was barely biting his lip matched with his wild eyes, if Andrew didn’t know any better he’d almost say it was attractive. The open setting of the airport didn't help. It made the sun reflect off his dark brown hair and set it ablaze, a small spark in this empty world.

Josten finally did spot him and when he started walking towards him, Andrew noticed there was more to his contacts than meets the eye. He saw it on the way to his car when the sun didn't hit his eyes the way it normally did with brown eyes. He should know having lived with Nicky. When he actually went outside, his eyes turned into these little dark sunsets.

Neil's did nothing of the sort. So what exactly was he hiding? And why choose brown? That's so stereotypical and uninteresting, maybe his first opinion had been right. 

And Andrew really would have believed that if he didn't have to put a hand over his chest to keep his heart inside it as Josten climbed in beside him.

This was going to be an issue but hopefully not one Andrew couldn't deal with.

—

Where were those idiots? Aaron and Nicky were slow enough getting back to the court on their own but adding Neil into the mix apparently made it impossible. 

“… but I’m here to play. All I want from any of you is the best you can give me on the court.”

Josten would be the only one stupid enough to pick Exy over romance, Kevin couldn’t even handle that. Andrew gave the Three Stooges a moment to react before he pushed open the door. He shot the group of them a look, he had really expected at least one to have gotten caught in the drain of the water fountain or something if it was taking this long.

He sighed then spoke, “Kevin wants to know what’s taking you so long, did you get lost?”

Aaron looked up from his spot on the bench.

“Nicky’s plotting to rape Neil. There are a couple flaws in his plan he needs to work out first but he’ll get there sooner or later.”

“I never said that. You are such an asshole.” Nicky moved closer to the door.

“Wow, Nicky. You start early.” 

Nicky would hit on anything that breathed if Erik didn’t hold his heart in his pocket back in Germany. However, somehow he still seemed to forget that at this very moment (and countless others), he had a small glowing heart sitting in his locker.

“You have to when they look like that.” He gestured to Neil before glancing back but that was all Andrew needed. 

He really hoped he hadn’t needed to have this conversation twice but the feeling in his chest was becoming more evident, he just couldn’t help himself. He grabbed at Nicky’s jersey and tossed him into the lockers, not letting go.

Josten probably thought he was psychotic but that’s what the prescription on his jar of pills read anyways, why shouldn’t he think it? It’s not like everyone else already wasn’t.

Andrew leaned into the other boy. He lowered his voice and switched to German. This wasn’t personal about Josten, he didn’t need to know what they were really talking about. He could think whatever he liked.

“Hey. Nicky. Don’t touch him, you understand?”

“Why? You know I’d never hurt him. And if he says yes…”

“I said no.” He thought that statement was firm enough but Nicky didn’t seem to think so.

“Jesus, you’re greedy. Isn’t Kevin enough, why do you…” 

He cut Nicky off on his last word by pulling a knife out of his armband and pressing it into the space between his ribs.

His cousin gasped on impulse but then became silent.

“Shh, Nicky. Why the long face? It’ll be okay.” He said this more for Josten’s benefit than Nicky’s.

It didn’t seem to help soothe him, “Hey. That’s enough.”

Nicky spoke to him without turning his head. 

“Quiet. Quiet, it’s fine.”

“Hey.” 

Andrew was sure he was speaking to him but that wasn’t important right now, showing Nicky his place was.

“Are we playing or what? Kevin’s waiting.”

Damn it, that was right. He’d never thought of that.

He finally gave in and looked to Neil.

“Oh. You’re right. Let’s go or we’ll never hear the end of it.”

He released his cousin and started for the door, slipping his weapon back into his armband as he did so.

Andrew had never been more thankful for the Exy armour that prevented his heart from beating out of his chest than at this moment.

— 

Josten sure had plenty of secrets to hide. Why he had a binder filled with everything under the sun related to Riko or Kevin was beyond him but that wasn't even the confusing part. He had at least several thousand dollars but he continued to wear the same couple of outfits that looked like he'd slept in the gutter.

Andrew was going to figure out every last one of his secrets and he knew exactly how to do it.

 

"You really want to take him to Columbia?" Nicky asked raising his eyebrows.

"Well not the way he dresses now. I don't want him embarrassing us at Eden's."

"So he's not coming then?"

“I didn't say that. I just have to go out." He grabbed his coat and turned to go.

"Go out... wait. You're not going to buy him clothes, are you?"

He could hear the smirk in Nicky's voice.

“Well, we can’t take him to Columbia looking like he does now, can we?”

He took Nicky’s silence as his answer and started to leave. Andrew had almost opened the door before he remembered something and turned around.

"And tell him to take out those awful contacts for one night."

"What?"

"His contacts, the brown ones."

"How do you know they're contacts?"

"Something's off about them just like everything else with him. I'm going out, tell him to take them off."

Nicky knew better than to ask questions so he nodded.

Andrew shut the door and tried as hard as he could to ignore the faint pulse of his heart wanting to leap out of his chest and go two doors down the hall.

Once he found something acceptable for Neil to be seen in, he forced it on Nicky and told him to take it to the cause of his misery.

They hadn't so much asked Neil to come yet but he trusted Nicky to take care of it. He didn't trust him completely because well, he didn't trust anyone completely, but he trusted him with this.

Unsurprisingly, he managed to convince him to come and then they set off. Andrew slept until they got to Sweetie's. That was when the night really began. Neil asked too many questions about the crackers he took and about the cracker dust in general. He wished he would just shut up and eat his ice cream.

Neil didn't let up when they finally made it to Eden's. If anything he got worse. That was when Neil first saw Erik's heart sitting in Nicky's breast pocket and asked Andrew about it.

"What?" He looked up from his phone.

"I said, what is that thing Nicky has following him around?"

Andrew snapped his phone shut. "You're not serious, are you?"

"Yes, I am. That's why I asked. What is it?"

"It's Erik's heart, his boyfriend from Germany."

"His what?"

"Heart. Didn't Mommy and Daddy Josten ever sit you down and tell you the great story of how when you love someone their heart pops out of their chest and floats to the other person and then you literally hold their heart for as long as they'll have you?" He asked looking to see where Roland went off to.

"What are you talking about? That doesn't really happen..."

Andrew sent him a look.

"Does it?"

God, this conversation was boring already. But he couldn't drop out halfway through and leave Josten even more helpless than usual.

"Does it ever. So you didn't come from a sunshiney happy home like Matthew. Intriguing although I'm not surprised, you are a Fox after all."

"So does someone have your heart then?"

"That's none of your business." 

Roland came over to them at that moment and was a welcome distraction to the faint glow of Andrew's heart through his t-shirt.

— 

There were moments for Andrew, usually on the Exy field, when he could just tell what was about to happen next. If he was standing in the goal and he saw a striker smaller than Kevin race up to him, he knew Matt would crash into him and take the ball back. If another dealer tried to take it easy on Allison because they saw she was a small girl, he knew that she would prove them wrong within seconds. 

For as long as he could remember, more often than not Andrew could predict how most scenarios around him would turn out. That all changed when Neil Josten came into his life. 

He never could have told you why he wanted nothing more than to get rid of that nobody from Who Cares, Arizona but for some reason his heart would leap out of his chest whenever he was around. He had enough to deal with taking care of Kevin, he didn’t have time for this loud-mouthed moron with a death wish. He didn’t have time for the feelings he gave him or how he made his heart react. When Josten opened his big mouth about Riko on the morning show and then Andrew found the three of them backstage in unfriendly circumstances, it took everything he had to push his heart back into his chest. 

It was a mystery to even Andrew himself how no matter what Neil asked him to do, he always wound up saying yes. Nicky could ask him the same thing a hundred times and he would say no but Neil could ask him once and he'd agree within seconds. 

He never could have told you why he kept him or even promised to protect him from his sick past. Much less why he made him family or even cared for him in the slightest way. Cared for might have been too nice of a word, perhaps didn’t wish to see him die a painful death would have been better. Yes, much better Andrew liked the sound of that.

Neil Josten was more difficult to solve than a thousand piece puzzle but how Andrew felt towards him was even harder to figure out. He hoped one day he could but even that seemed like the biggest pipe dream he’d ever had. 

— 

"Mini monster, Neil, regular sized monster." Matt said passing them in the hallway of their dorm.

"Dan's plaything." Andrew nodded back without skipping a beat.

"So are you coming with us or not?" Nicky asked turning to look at Neil.

Either Josten was an idiot or he missed the question because Andrew could feel his eyes on him the entire time.

"I don't see why I should after last time."

Nicky cleared his throat and nodded to Andrew but this wasn't his place. He only wanted to invite Neil a second time but he wasn't going to force him to go.

"Look, that was the first time to see how you blended in. We won't force you to do anything like that again, right Andrew?"

He sighed deeply and finally looked away from his hands.

Placing a hand over his heart, he spoke, "I solemnly swear."

Josten just eyed him unconvincingly. Andrew grinned, trying to prove his point further but he still wasn't buying it.

"Nicky, either he wants to come or he doesn't. This is hopeless." He turned back towards their room and started off without saying goodbye.

"Why does he care?" He heard Josten ask before the door shut behind him.

 

Nearly twenty minutes later, Nicky came back into their room. Andrew looked up from his spot in the beanbag chair.

"So?"

"He wants to see you in his room. Matt walked back out and he's not convinced."

"Of course he isn't. Let's go." He got up and walked down the hall, knowing his cousin would follow.

Neil's door was wide open so Andrew poked his head in and the first thing his eyes met was an unhappy Matt Boyd.

"Whatever you think you're doing, it's not going to work. Allison and Seth are going out and the rest of us are staying here, Neil knows this." Matt warned.

"But that's not what you want, is it Neil?" Andrew asked looking to him.

Neil just shrugged. Nicky would have been more help but he was too focused on what else Matt had said.

"Wait, you two are going out? Like as in off campus??" He looked to Allison and Seth.

"We're going bar hopping, not that it's any of your business."

"B-" He would have continued but Andrew didn't have time for this. Neil was coming to Columbia one way or another.

"Neil, is that what you want? You want to come to Columbia with us, right?" 

Anyone else would have been fooled but Josten could tell by the way he was looking at him, Andrew wasn't asking.

"Neil, don't let him push you around. Renee's coming back soon and she's bringing drinks, she's getting something non-alcoholic for you and her. Stay."

"Neil." Andrew threatened with a smile on his face.

Dan spoke up next, "No. The last time he went out with you he ended up hitchhiking his way back. He is not going out with you again, he'll probably end up dead."

He rolled his eyes but stepped closer to Neil. He put a hand on his shoulder and started speaking German, "Aw. How precious and touching. Look at how much they care for you. Isn't their concern just enough to melt your heart? Tell them that there's nothing to worry about Neil and that you'll be fine."

Neil glanced back at him for a moment then spoke, "They'll see through it, they’re not stupid. They know it's more than that.”

Nicky gasped at Neil's quick German but Andrew put up a hand so he wouldn't interfere.

"Neil. Tell them you will be fine."

"How do I know that? Why should I believe you when you tell me that?" The defiant look on his face said Josten thought he could play Andrew's game. Oh he wishes.

"Do you want answers or not?"

"What?"

"Yes or no?"

"Why would that-"

"I'll give you answers tonight in Columbia if you come and we both know you will. Understand?"

He took a moment to decide. But as expected, Neil nodded then looked back to Dan. 

"I'll see you in the morning."

"Neil, wait. This isn't a good idea." She tried to grab onto his arm but Andrew put his fingers into his shirt collar and dragged Neil closer to him.

"I know." He was talking to Dan but he didn't break eye contact with Andrew.

"We're going now." He wrapped his fingers around his wrist and dragged him out, Nicky wasn't far behind.

Andrew let go of Neil's wrist half way to their suite. He hadn't meant to but his heart was so close to leaping out of his chest, he had to put as much distance between them as possible.

"I have to get something. Stay here, both of you." Andrew warned pushing open the suite door and slamming it behind him.

"Kevin, hallway now. Aaron, car." He said not looking at either of them.

"But I never get to dr-" His twin started.

"I didn't say you got to drive I said car. Go to it and bring the other three idiots with you. Tell Nicky he's not allowed to drive either. Go."

He walked into his bedroom and shut the door. He did actually have to get Neil's outfit for tonight but that wasn't the only reason he wanted to be alone.

He knew he couldn't contain it for much longer, his heart was coming out whether he liked it or not. It popped out of his chest and started flying around the room before Andrew grabbed it and threw it into his closet, shutting the door.  
That wouldn't last for long but it would at least last until tomorrow when they came back from Columbia. 

Neil's outfit was sitting in a bag at the edge of his bed he picked it up then walked back into the hallway.

Neil apparently hadn't gotten the memo so he shoved the bag into his hands and started walking down the stairs without waiting for him. Sooner or later this moron was going to have to learn to take a hint already.

The drive to Sweetie's seemed eternal and by the time they got there, Andrew felt like he already wanted to go home but the night hadn't even started yet.

He flicked Neil a look and nodded towards the bathroom but he just sent back a blank stare.

"Nicky, just take him." He practically shoved the pair of them in the right direction. Neil started to walk but not without sending him an upset look first. Andrew remained unfazed.

"I still don't think we should have brought him." Aaron mumbled.

"Shut up." Andrew rubbed at his eyes and picked up a menu. He wasn't sure why he did that. They never ordered anything besides cracker dust and ice cream but he just needed to not be talked to for a few minutes.

Neil and Nicky came back shortly, Neil sat beside him and Nicky slid in next to Aaron. 

Andrew put down his menu and searched Neil's eyes. 

Blue as ever. God, he hadn't even gotten a good enough look last time. How could someone's eyes be this piercingly blue? It almost seemed impossible. He'd never seen another colour even remotely close to this in his life. It was almost like it'd just been created for Neil's eyes. Why would you hide such a beautiful- no. No, stop it Andrew. Stop it right now. You're not going to meet some new boy and just fall all over him, you have more dignity and class than that.

This idiot was here because Kevin wanted him to be. Besides, he'd never let you near his new prodigy anyways.

"Are you in or out?" He asked the other boy after what felt like forever.

"I didn't realize I had a choice after how you had Nicky assault me the last time."

"From now on, you do. So in or out?"

"So far out." He picked up a menu and was about to use Andrew's defense mechanism but he swatted it out of his hands.

"We're not spending a lot of time here, don't get any ideas. This is a short stop, half hour at most."

The waitress came by at that moment and Nicky ordered for all of them.

Andrew leaned in even closer to Neil which seemed impossible but somehow wasn't and whispered, "And this time, just shut up and eat your ice cream."

"Such a gentleman."

"Will you do it or not?"

Neil rolled his eyes and Andrew expected that was about the best answer he was going to get.

 

Their evening at Eden's wasn't much until Nicky got a call on the drive back to their house in Columbia. He frowned at Coach's name on the display and shoved the phone at Andrew.

Everything happened so fast. He said so much but all Andrew caught were the words 'Seth' and 'overdosed.' Oh Neil, what did you get all of them into?

He stopped the car in the driveway and turned to look back. Everyone was in some state of grief except for Neil. 

Nicky was stuck in a conversation with Kevin but he and Aaron seemed to be getting the worst of it. Neither of them were close with Seth and now they cared?

Andrew couldn't deal with this right now. He just wanted to go inside and be alone but Neil wouldn't give him that luxury.

"What are we supposed to do now?" He asked on his heels.

At least Andrew had managed to make it to the door.

"The only thing we can do, sober up and sleep this off until we can be presentable enough to go back to campus. Just go to bed, we'll deal with this all when we go home." He had unlocked the door and held out the key to Neil. 

Neil just stared back at him for a second until it dawned on him what Andrew was doing. Had no one ever given him a gift before or done anything remotely nice for him? He sincerely doubted it based on his reactions over the smallest things.

He finally just shoved the key at him and walked inside. It was way too late to deal with Neil's weirdness. He just wanted to go to bed.

 

Normally, Andrew wanted to stay as far away from Fox Tower as possible. The more distance between him and the upperclassmen the better, sometimes half the planet wouldn’t be enough. Columbia would usually do for a day or two and then he could go back to dealing with them. But not this time. He had to see what kind of mess his heart was getting up to. He hoped with every part of him that it had stayed in his room.

It really wasn’t much compared to others. He had seen Matt’s heart bouncing above Dan’s shoulder now and again, bright and red and glowing as vibrantly as ever. Andrew’s heart didn’t need to be out of his chest for him to know that it was nothing like that.

It had to be battered and bruised just like the rest of him. Matt’s heart had a resting smile on it like nothing could ever be that horrible in the world as long as he had Dan. Andrew knew better than that and he sincerely hoped his heart did as well, for both their sake. 

He unlocked the suite door and rushed to the bedroom, hoping for the worst and well, getting it. His heart had escaped from the closet somehow, maybe he didn’t shut it fully because he was in a hurry or it was a sneaky little bastard. He didn’t particularly like either answer. However it happened, his heart was flying around the room slowly but he could tell that it had been doing this since Friday evening. 

“Woah, where’s the- is that what I think it is?” Nicky asked walking in behind him. 

Fuck, he thought he had shut the door when he came in. 

“It doesn’t concern you, think of something that does.” He tried to push him out but Nicky wouldn’t budge.

“That’s your heart, isn’t it? I mean, I knew you had to have one or you’d be dead but I never actually considered it. I thought you were like the Tin Man or something.”

“Riveting story, tell me about it at another time.” Andrew put more force into his push but his cousin was unaffected. 

“Andrew Joseph Minyard does have a heart after all.”

“If I let you stay, will you shut the fuck up?”

Nicky considered this for a second. 

“Only if you tell me who caused it to come out of your chest.”

“Fine! Whatever, just shut the door.”

So Nicky did and Andrew finally managed to catch his heart. He looked at it in his palm. It was so small. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew all hearts were the same size but it just looked so miniscule. So unimportant. It was a dark purple at best, there were scars up and down it. He thought he even saw stitches at one point.

“Andrew, put it away. Yours looks really bad, you don’t want to damage it anymore.”

He snapped to look up at his cousin. 

“What the fuck am I supposed to do with it? I can’t just shove it back into my chest. It doesn’t work like that.”

“I don’t know. Put it in a box or something.”

“A box? A box??! You want me to put my heart in a box??!?!”

Why did he have to be surrounded by morons? He couldn’t put his heart in a box. Josten would have suggested something smarter than that. No. Don’t think about him, Andrew. His heart was flipping in his hand at even the mention of his name. Fuck.

“Okay, fine not a box. But you have to put it somewhere if you’re not going to let it go to the person that it wants to. And judging by this,” Nicky gestured to him, “I really don’t see that happening in the near future.”

Andrew groaned as he looked for something, anything. He finally found a cup that someone had forgot to bring back to the kitchen. He flipped it upside down then slid his heart into it. He threw a t-shirt over it and put it on the windowsill. That had to do for now.

“So who is it?”

“What?”

“Who caused all that to happen?”

“Nobody.”

“Oh come on, it had to be someone. Was it Renee because if it is, I owe Kevin $50.”

He really wasn’t going to drop this, was he? He could lie and say it actually was Renee. But no, then Nicky would just bother him whenever he was alone with her or around her in general.

He should just tell him it was Neil. There was no use lying about it, he would probably find out eventually.

“Earth to Andrew. Is anybody home?” He started to wave his hand in front of his face and Andrew caught it mid-air.

“You can’t tell anyone, understand?”

“So it is Renee?”

“No. But when I tell you who it is, you can’t say anything to anyone. Not even Erik.”

“Erik’s in Germany why would h-“ Andrew tightened his grip on his cousin’s hand and Nicky nodded.

“Okay, no one. Got it. So who is it?”

He let go of Nicky’s hand and sat down on his bed.

“Neil.”

“No, I’m Nicky. Wait. Oh my God.”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Andrew put his head in his hands.

“What are you gonna do?”

“Nothing.”

“What? You can’t do nothing. You can’t deny your heart of being with the one it wants.”

He got bored with his cousin’s words and had begun to play with one of Renee’s knives from his armband.

“Funny, I thought I just did. I’m very sure I did, actually.”

“Andrew, you have to do something here.”

“Leave it, Nicky.”

If they were talking about anything else, that probably would have been enough but not with this. Nicky didn’t give up as easily on matters of the heart as he did with everything else.

“No. God, Andrew you have to do something. Anything.”

“I’m handling it.”

“How?”

“I DON’T KNOW, OKAY? I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE FEELINGS THAT DON’T MAKE ME WANT TO STAB SOMEONE. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THIS?”

Someone else would have been thrown by his sudden outburst but not Nicky. He was used to this by now.

“Not alone.”

“Fuck you, I deal with everything alone. I don’t need your help.”

“You’re getting it anyways. Andrew, look I know how you must be feeling. I've been there when my heart jumped to Erik, it was a lot at first and it took some getting used to but I'm here for you if you need anything."

The sentiment was sweet but he never was much for anything of the sort. So instead, Andrew held up his knife. He didn’t exactly point it at Nicky yet but the message was clear enough so he left him alone.

It was just as well, he still needed time to erase the memory of how Neil looked when he gave him the key to their house in Columbia. God, he just wanted to wipe it right off his face. Andrew had never considered himself boy crazy, romance wasn't something he wanted to involve himself with.

Everyone left eventually, why go and tell someone everything about you just for them to turn and walk away one day? He didn't see the point. He never really understood "love", what did it even mean? He was more familiar with hatred. It was easy to define.

If he had to say he loved someone, that would be Kevin. He didn't love him that way, he knew that for sure. He was the closest thing Andrew had to love, he was indifferent towards everyone else.

Neil Josten might just be the one to change that. Or at least some part of himself was telling Andrew he could be. But every other part was telling him this was impossible. He wasn't sure what he believed.

-

Andrew figured it was just a fluke that he revealed his feelings about Neil to Nicky but that was until Renee talked to him the next day at practice.

"So, Neil, huh?" She asked nonchalantly as they took their walk around the inner court.

"What about Neil?" He didn't know what she was getting at or he did but he hoped she had misread it.

"You're interested in him?"

"What would give you that impression?"

"Andrew, I thought we agreed not to lie to each other."

"I'm not lying."

"Andrew Joseph Minyard." She said with her sternest look but also managed to hold a smile at the same time.

"Natalie Renee Walker." If he was afraid of anyone on this team, it wasn't her.

"You gave him a key to your house and you called it home. I see the way you are around him, I can practically hear your heartbeat from across the court. It's the small things that no one else is picking up on. What are we supposed to do here?"

Andrew sighed deeply. "Nothing, we're supposed to leave it alone. It's never going to happen and I don't expect it to."

"You're sure?"

"All the dream catchers in the world couldn't bring him to me, Renee."

Renee nodded slightly like she understood, then went back to their walk like nothing had happened. This was one of the many reasons why she was Andrew's favourite person on the team. She never questioned or pressured him, she just accepted things. 

Wait. He couldn't just leave it at that. Josten was a nosy little shit for every piece he was worth. He wouldn't tell anyone anything about himself but that didn't mean he wasn't going to ask around.

"If he asks though, tell him I swing that way."

"What makes you think he'll ask?"

"Look at him. He'll ask, trust me."

"Why don't you want me to tell him to mind his own business?"

No one else would have dared question Andrew's judgement except for Renee. That was fine though because he wanted her to know why for once.

"I want to see how this plays out. Maybe the odds will surprise me."

"Don't put down your cards before you know your opponent."

"I will soon enough, Walker, soon enough." He cut their walk short and turned back to where the rest of the team was doing drills. 

Your move, Josten.

-

The week following Neil's second trip to Columbia was one of the weirdest of Andrew's year. He'd had to add Neil to his "family" and by doing that he had to sit beside him on the couch in the lounge. God, that was torture. He would have been sure that Neil could hear his heartbeat if he wasn't as out for it as they came. He could have hit him in the face and he wouldn't react. Thankfully he didn't pick up on anything which was a huge relief for Andrew. 

That wasn't even really the weird part. He got a call from Pig Higgins back in California about the trial for his ex foster father. He had the wrong guy and Andrew had swore to himself to suppress every memory of that part in his life. Pig didn't need his help and he wasn't offering it anyways.

The upcoming Tuesday, Coach made them take Neil to get clothes for the fall banquet and Nicky convinced Andrew to get Neil a phone while they were at the mall.

He could use the time apart from him so Andrew went to get the phone by himself.

"Oh, Andrew. What are you doing with that dinosaur? How's he going to text?" Nicky whined walking up to him at his perch on the edge of the fountain.

"Who is Neil going to text?"

"Me!"

"You'll both have to deal. Look alive." He said tossing the phone to Neil. He caught it but his face dropped when he did.

This idiot would react the weirdest way possible. I mean, it was a phone not a time bomb. What was up with him? 

"Neil? You okay?"

He didn’t answer but held the phone out to Nicky.

“Neil, no. That’s yours. You need that and we need you to need it.”

“You have this way of… what’s the word? Ah yes, making people want to murder you violently.” Andrew added, bored.

“We want to be able to find you if and when that situation happens again. Keep it.”

"N-Nicky, I-I can't. I really can't. I'm sorry, I just-" He held the phone in front of him like it was going to explode at any moment. He looked terrified of it.

Andrew had understood that taking care of him would be more challenging than looking after Kevin but he didn't think it would be this bad.

He held out his car key and Neil took it and ran.

"What was that all about?"

"Beats me, let's just go."

-

Taking on Josten was way more than he was capable of. This idiot was so much worse off than he thought. How could he make him understand the simplest things?

He needed a phone, they all needed to be able to reach him somehow. Andrew didn’t know what he’d do if someone did get to Neil and he couldn’t make it there in time. 

He could figure this out. He just had to get to Neil when he couldn’t get away…. Like at evening practice before he was finished getting changed. 

“Out.” He said pointing towards the door.

“I’m not done getting dressed yet.” Kevin mumbled picking up his jersey.

“I wasn’t asking.” Andrew added.

“You’re not even playing, why do I have to-“

“I need to talk to your prodigy alone. Out. I won’t ask a third time.”

“I thought you said you weren’t…” Kevin let his sentence trail off once he saw his friend beginning to reach into his armband.

He started towards the exit, grumbling something about how violence wasn’t the way to get everything you wanted.

Andrew sat on the bench and crossed his legs as he waited for Neil. He set Neil’s new phone down in front of him.

He really did take forever to change. After centuries had passed, Neil finally walked out into the lounge. He did that stupid thing he always did where he assessed the room to see what had happened before his eyes met Andrew’s.

He patted the spot opposite him and Neil reluctantly sat down.

“You can only have a vendetta against so many things in your life, please don’t waste one of yours on something this idiotic.”

“I don’t need a phone, I’m fi-“

“Don’t you dare say you’re fine. Shut up for a second. Who else would need one more than you would? You gave Riko a can of paint and offered him your back to draw a target on. We both know that won’t be the last time you do something that stupid. You need this. Take it.”

“I can’t.” He got that look in his eye from earlier today. Like he wanted nothing more than to crawl into the spaces between the floor tiles.

Andrew sighed deeply before setting his phone down next to Neil’s and calling it. He really had had too much time so he decided to fuck around.

It took Neil a moment to realize what the lyrics of the song were saying.

He didn’t say anything, just sent him a glare. Andrew was about to let the song play out but Neil picked it up and hit the decline button then snapped the phone shut.

“Why do you care so much?”

“Because I said I would watch your back and this would make it significantly easier to do that.”

“Who the hell do I have to call anyways?”

“Nicky, Coach, God to ask why he personally hates you. I don’t care. Just take it.” He picked up the phone and held it out but Neil pushed his hand away.

“There has to be some other way.”

“Sounds doubtful considering how whenever something slightly inconvenient happens, you run before they’re even finished with their sentence.”

“Fuck you, you don’t know.”

“Maybe but perhaps if you survive that long, you could enlighten me some day. Hold on, I have to make a phone call.”

“Right now?”

“Yes, it’s very important. Now shut up again.”

Andrew threw Neil’s phone into his lap then picked up his own and hit the speed dial he’d created for Neil’s number.

The phone adjacent to him began to ring with the same sad song about runaways.

“You should get that, sounds important.”

Neil glanced at him unsteadily but Andrew just motioned to the phone again, finally he did pick it up and press it to his ear.

“Your parents are dead, you are not fine, and you are not going to be okay. This shouldn’t be news to you. But from now until May, you are still Neil Josten, and I said I would protect that man. God knows why. I don’t give a fuck if you use this phone tomorrow to talk to Nicky for the entire day or if you never use it ever again, but you are going to take it with you when you leave this room and wherever else you go.

“Because I know, and you will too if you’re smart, that there will come a day when you are going to need it. And on that day, you are finally going to stop running for once in your life. You are going to remember my promise and you’re going to make the damn call, understand?”

Fuck, he was doing the deer caught in headlights face again. Come on, Neil. 

It took forever but he finally nodded.

“Good, now get out of here. Your majesty of Exy is probably shitting himself over the lost ten minutes of extra practice.”

“Why did a police officer from Oakland call you now?” 

Oh, so now he got his mouth back.

“A straight shot for once, I never expected that. They’re investigating one of my previous foster families. Pig thought I would testify.”

“And you won’t?”

“Exactly.”

“Why?”

“There’s nothing for them to leverage towards him. I pushed that time out of my mind long ago, I’m not going back. I promised myself that and I don’t break my promises. Go before Kevin gives himself a heart attack. Imagine that, being the boy who killed Exy royalty.”

Neil had more to say but Andrew wasn’t in the mood so he pushed him out to the inner court.

God, what had he gotten himself into? Something horrible with no way out. Wait, no. This was nothing. This wasn’t even a thing. This was infatuation at best, a lost cause at worst. What was the word? It was on the tip of his tongue… a pipe dream.

Yes, Neil Josten was a pipe dream Andrew would never be able to obtain. And quite honestly, he was fine with that.

-

Telling Nicky that his heart wanted to be with Neil was the worst thing Andrew had ever done. His cousin wouldn't leave him alone and he kept ambushing him whenever they were alone together in the suite.

Why did he ever think this would be a good idea? He just wanted to go back to that day and smack himself.

"Why not? Your heart does this for a reason, you're supposed to let it go to the person it wants to." Nicky said grabbing a bowl from the cupboard.

"Are you ever going to drop this?" Andrew asked setting his coffee cup down harshly in the sink.

"I will when you do something about it."

"I'll deal with this for the rest of my life then. Let's go before Kevin throws a fit that we're two minutes late to practice."

"I'm not finished yet. What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"I'm not talking about this with you." Andrew began to tie his shoes but Nicky put his hand in the way.

"Do you want to keep that hand, Hemmick?"

"Talk to him about it."

He sighed heavily before finally looking up at Nicky.

“We can’t all have the luxury of following our heart. I don't expect anything from Neil. I'm just watching his back, nothing more."

"You could watch his front too."

"Shut up. We're already late." He stood up and pushed past Nicky.

“All I’m saying is we don’t know anything about him. He might surprise you if you gave him the chance to.”

“I know everything I need to. We’re leaving.”

—

If Andrew thought Nicky pressuring him to do something about his feelings for Neil was normally bad, he didn’t even have a proper word for how much worse it got the closer to the fall banquet. 

“Just ask him. He’d say yes.” His cousin said lacing up his court shoes.

Andrew glanced around him to make sure no one within earshot then replied with, “Drop it, Nicky. This is none of your business.”

“You made it exactly that when you told me.”

He shrugged him off.

“Kevin was saying he wanted to ask Allison anyways.”

Nicky tried to stifle a laugh.

“Considering how he’d have to look at her to do that, I don’t see that happening in the near future. Ask him, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”

“Stay out of it if you know what’s good for you.” 

Andrew wasn’t making a suggestion or a threat but somehow it came out as both.

“Don’t you want to actually be happy instead if this medicated ecstasy?” 

God, he never shut up.

Andrew picked up his racquet loudly and pointed it at Nicky.

“I want you to leave this the fuck alone and let me handle it like I said I would from the beginning. Can you do that?”

“Can, yes. Will I, no.”

“Of course not. If you say even one word to him about any of this, you won’t be around long enough to tell the tale.”

Nicky just shoved past him out to the inner court. Anyone else would have been rattled by that threat but Nicky had seen Andrew’s heart and soft spot so for the time being, he had nothing on him. His bark had no bite as long as Neil was in the picture and Nicky knew that. Fuck.

He had to fix this. Fast. 

Why did Kevin ever have to see that stupid reel tape of Josten in the first place? So many of his current problems could be traced back to that day. Andrew should have thrown it in the garbage the second he saw it. His life would be so much easier if he’d never met Neil Josten. Maybe not happier but easier for sure.

-

"Neil, you look great. Doesn't Neil look great, Andrew?" Nicky asked as they were walking to the back of the bus.

"He looks like a great pain in the ass." He muttered leaning his head against the window as soon as he sat down.

The seat beside him sank.

"Nicky, fuck off."

"Nice guess but not close enough. You got the ’N’ right though.” His cousin said. Andrew didn't have to look up to know he was smirking.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" He asked Neil without turning to face him.

"Nicky said to sit beside you because Aaron has a date and he has a date and Kevin wants to be alone."

"Tell Nicky to throw himself off the bus."

"I don't want to be sitting beside you for the entire ride either but there's nowhere else to sit, we're both just going to have to deal with it." Neil said biting his tongue. 

"Try not to be too loud, I'm exhausted."

"I can't make any promises."

Andrew heard shuffling on Neil's part. He suspected he was pulling his phone out of his suit pocket. Probably to text Nicky something along the lines of 'I hate you.'

That was just fine because as of right now, Andrew felt the same way towards the person beside him. It didn't help that he looked better than he ever had before. This was going to be the longest trip of his life.

*

God, this banquet was boring. They usually were but this year exceptionally was. It was interesting for a little bit when they'd found out they were seated at the same table as the Ravens but that ended quickly.

Neil shot his mouth off like always and now they were at a table with some of the coaches. Or they had been for dinner, now the tables were cleared off to make a dance floor. Andrew couldn't think about dancing now, he had two idiots to keep his eye on.

Speaking of those idiots, where were they? He spotted Kevin across the floor 'networking' as he called it with another team, he wasn't sure which. He'd actually been trying to avoid Neil because he couldn't get over how amazing he did look in a suit. Nicky wasn’t wrong there. It was too much for Andrew, he couldn't be around him. He hadn't seen him for over an hour.

Wait.

Where the hell was Neil? He was so much easier to look after when he was actually around. 

Oh, fuck. Fuck no.

He was walking out of the locker room following Matt. His cheek was bleeding, not visibly but it was there. Andrew didn’t realize he wanted to go over to him until his feet started moving.

“Andrew, don’t-“ Matt started but Andrew didn’t care about him.

“Talk.” He looked to Neil and touched the wet blood with his thumb.

“I’m fine.” Neil said instantly. 

“I’m not. Who did this?”

“I said I’m fine.”

“I don’t give a fuck. I don’t have time for your lies. Who did this?”

“Just forget about it.”

“You know I can’t. I have the memory of an elephant for the things I want to remember.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He shrugged him off and led him back to the subject at hand.

“I’m still looking for a name, Neil.”

“Leave it.”

“Neil.”

“Leave. It.” He persisted but Andrew wasn’t giving up without a fight.

“It’s my turn.”

“You don’t have to take it now.”

“That’s not really your decision to make, now is it?”

“Andrew.”

“Neil.”

“Can we have this conversation on the bus back to campus?”

“No.” Andrew said at the exact same time that Neil said the opposite.

"Leave it. Please."

"Oh well since you asked so nicely, no." He wiped at the blood on Neil's cheek. It was still wet. What the hell had happened?

He looked up at Matt but he just shrugged.

"Found him like that."

"Where?"

"Locker room, that's all I know. We really should go."

"Be quiet, Boyd. Go find Dan and tell someone else who cares." He rubbed the wet blood between his fingertips.

Dan had told Neil to play nice tonight but she hadn't given Andrew the same warning. Not that it mattered because he wouldn't have listened if she tried.

"Andrew, let's go." Kevin said suddenly behind him.

"But-"

"Not here." He warned walking off.

Neil flicked Andrew a look before following. Fuck, now he had to leave. These two were going to be the death of him.

—

No. No. Don’t. 

Andrew opened his eyes and sat up. He felt his forehead, sweat. Of course.

He almost said Kevin’s name before he remembered. Oh that’s right. He wasn’t anywhere near him. He was stuck in Easthaven for a few more weeks. He thought this was supposed to be helping him but it was making him worse.

He couldn’t get the weeks leading up to his commitment here out of his head. Even seeing Drake’s face ag- no. No, Andrew don’t. Don’t even waste another fucking second thinking about him. 

Think about… think about Neil. God, Neil. That idiot. Typically, Andrew never let himself do that if he knew what was good for him but ever since he’d been here, his rules had changed. 

Thinking of Neil kept him sane, well okay not sane. Andrew had never been sane but thinking of Neil helped. He fell asleep every night by thinking of their last conversation.

-

“Let me help you.”

“I don’t need your help and especially not with Kevin.”

“Please, Andrew just trust me. I can take care of him for you.”

“You know I don’t like that word.”

“I won’t let you down if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

“I’m not afraid of anything.”

“I find that hard to believe even for you.”

“Shut up. I don’t trust people with most things but I don’t trust anyone else with him. I can do this on my own like I always have.”

“You’re not on your own. You don’t have to do this alone anymore.”

He remembered himself pushing Neil but he grabbed at his arms and held him in place.

“Why should I even trust you? All you do is lie like it’s what you were created to do.”

“So don’t trust Neil.”

“Who the hell am I supposed to trust then? Mr. Nobody who’s probably not even from Arizona? I trust him even less.”

“Trust Abram. It’s my middle name, it’s how my mom introduced me to anyone before everything happened.”

“And why should I trust him? Because you told me so? Neil doesn’t stand a chance against Riko, why does he?”

Neil grabbed Andrew’s arm and brought it under his shirt before he could protest. It took everything he had not to wince. 

“I’m not sure why I’m surprised that you lied again. These are quite severe for a life on the run.” 

He ran his thumb over a particularly bad scar on his abdomen. 

Neil shook his head. "I'll tell you about it some day but not now."

"Neil, Neil, Neil. What did you do?" He pressed his finger into what he guessed was a bullet wound.

“Do you feel that? I have that and much more, yet I’m still standing here. Riko can’t do anything worse than what I’ve already seen and lived through. I’ll keep him safe, I promise.”

He sighed and pulled his hand away then spoke in English, “Take what you can get and don’t get upset or whatever I guess.”

-

Sometimes if Andrew concentrated hard enough he could still feel Neil’s fingers resting on top of his own. He probably missed him most of all even though he would never admit it.

— 

 

Andrew thought he'd at least have the drive back to campus to prepare himself for seeing Neil again but that plan went out the window when he saw some fucked up version of Josten sitting in the waiting room.

God, it took everything he had to keep his shock off his face. He knew Neil naturally had blue eyes but he didn't know about the auburn hair. And fuck, the bruises and the cuts. What had happened to him over break?

He wanted nothing more than to walk up to him and demand the name of who caused those so he could beat them senseless. 

But Andrew didn't do that. 

He kept a straight face, listened to what the nurses told Kevin and Neil, took the bag that was pushed into his hand, dumped it out on his way to the door and went to his car.

Nicky must have been able to tell Andrew wanted to ask about Neil because he tried to push him to. Andrew just turned the music up louder and glared at Kevin when he tried to turn it down.

It felt like an eternity before Andrew dragged Nicky up to the roof of Fox Tower. He didn't know where to begin so he just said, "Talk."

And Nicky did. He went into immense detail about everything that Andrew had missed. He knew his cousin had chosen not to include parts but that wasn't what was bothering him. What was bothering Andrew was the question itching at the back of his mind.

Who hurt Neil and what the fuck did he have to do to hurt them back? 

But no, he couldn't ask that. He couldn't let Nicky know that the only thing keeping him alive in that place was thinking of Neil fucking Josten. Andrew Minyard wasn't supposed to feel human emotions, he was a monster. 

He wasn't supposed to miss people or not be able to stop thinking about them.

"It was Riko, you know."

"What?" 

Andrew must have gotten lost in his thoughts again. He'd forgotten Nicky was still talking.

"Neil's face. He did that, all of it. At Evermore. He hasn't told us much but Coach told us enough. I'm sure he'd tell you if he asked."

"I am not asking Neil Josten for anything." He looked away from his cousin and turned to the view of the campus below him. He tried to find a person to watch to distract himself, maybe even calm him down but there was no one interesting.

"So, does that mean that this whole thing was.."

Andrew started playing with his hands.

"Fuck no, I wish he'd been a side effect of the drugs. A hallucination even. Unfortunately, that did not end up being the case."

"You don't sound annoyed or anything, what happened when you were there?"

"I opened my eyes."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I finally saw something I hadn't before. I don't deserve this Nicky, I don't deserve to maybe some day be happy with him."

Nicky's jaw dropped even though he tried to hide it.

"What?"

"It's never going to happen, me and him. Him and me, whatever." He explained waving his hands around in a meaningless gesture.

"You can't be serious.."

"Incredibly."

"Andrew.. you can't really hold yourself at such a low standard- do you actually think that you don't deserve to be happy?"

"I just said it, didn't I?" He deadpanned.

"Andrew-"

"I'm a monster, Nicky. The rest of the team sees it. I'm just the monster hiding under their bed waiting to scare the shit out of children. Monsters don't deserve to be happy.

"Go downstairs and get Neil. Send him up here. I need to talk to him."

"B-but..."

"Today, Nicky." He flicked his wrist towards the door and his cousin knew by now not to argue when Andrew was like this.

—

"You were supposed to be a side effect of the drugs." Andrew sighed.

"I am not a hallucination. I'm not going anywhere."

"You are a pipe dream at best." Andrew looked back to his cigarette.

"Stop saying that. You don't get to decide that. I don't know a lot but I do know this. Before I came here, before I met you. It'd always been go.

"It had always been leave, run, hide, never look back. I never had anything. But then Coach gave me the keys to the court and you told me to stay.

"You gave me a key and called it home. I haven't had anything remotely close to a home since my mom died and even then, it was hardly anything."

God, Neil had that look in his eye. Like Andrew's eyes held all the answers in the world. He couldn't stand to look at him and he didn't like that Neil was looking at him either.

He pushed his face away with a sharp jab of his finger.

"You didn't really think you could feed me some sob story and then just look at me like that? I'm not your answer and you sure as fuck aren't mine."

"Andrew-"

"No, you don't get it. Do you, Neil? You don't get any of this. I would fucking destroy you, don't come near me."

Neil turned to him again.

"You've seen my scars. If that wasn't enough to show you that I don't break easily, then what is?" 

"Get out, just go. You have no idea what you're doing."

"Then tell me."

Idiot.

"You said you before that you didn't understand why someone would try to kill themselves, you're doing that right now."

"It's called survival, try it some time." He taunted then took Andrew's cigarette and put it out on the edge of the roof.

"God, I fucking hate you."

"Nine percent of the time you don't."

Don't play a game you can't win, Josten. 

"Wrong. Nine percent of the time I don't want to kill you violently, I always hate you." Andrew took Neil's cigarette and flicked ash off it.

"Do you ever say something so many times that it starts to sound fake? It's starting to happen when you say that." 

"I don't remember anyone asking you."

Neil looked back at him and God something came over Andrew. He hadn't meant to but he couldn't hold off any longer and gave in. He grabbed his face and pressed his lips to Neil's.

Fuck, this was what he should have been doing the whole time. Why did he waste a single moment beside him talking when they could be putting their mouths to such better use?

It's like his lips had been made for Neil's. He didn't even care how he sounded right now because this is exactly what he had been looking for. Neil wasn't just an answer to his problems, he was the answer to everything. He just hadn't let himself believe it before now.

He pulled back before he'd let himself do this for the rest of eternity. He started to not care about breathing if it wasn't Neil's air.

Oh God. What was that sitting on Neil's shoulder? Was that... no. Fuck no. There was no way. How did his heart get out?

He grabbed it from its perch above Josten and ran. He knew the other boy was faster than him but he didn't even care. He just had to get out of there.

Kissing him was one thing but bringing his heart into it? That was something fucking else. He wasn't going to lose if he didn't even know Josten's game. Andrew didn't lose unless he wanted to and right now, he definitely didn't want to.

He ran into his suite and shut the door behind him. He couldn't even remember if he locked it, he just had to get away from him. 

"Andrew? Where's the flood?" Nicky asked looking up from his spot in the beanbag chair.

Andrew looked around the room. It was just him and Nicky. Thank God.

"I- I did something."

"Oh God, you killed someone again? Who was it this time? Do I have to help you hide the body? Please say I don't, I'm not ready to have- oh my God. I don't even know how to wash out blood." Nicky sighed and put his head in his hands.

Andrew started shaking his head.

"No, not that. I think I did something worse."

"What could be worse than..." 

Someone knocked on the door and Nicky got up to get it. But Andrew was quicker and intercepted him by sticking out his arm.

"Don't you fucking dare get that."

"What? Why not? It's probably just Neil."

"I know it's Neil. That's the problem." 

Nicky glanced back to him, maybe trying to read the situation from his eyes. He failed and finally asked, "Andrew, what did you do?"

"I kissed him." He opened his palm and let his heart fly out into the open air.

Nicky almost laughed.

"No, seriously. What did you do?"

"I kissed him, Nicky."

His cousin's jaw dropped.

"Holy shit. What happened to handling it and not doing anything about it?"

"I-I don't know. He was just looking at me and the idiot had his mouth hanging open and he was taunting me. Something just came over me and then this demon popped up on his shoulder and I left."

Neil knocked louder on the door.

"Nicky I swear to God if you open that door, it'll be the last thing you do."

"Was it bad? Like did he push you away? I mean he didn't throw you off the roof so that's good, right?"

"No, it wasn't bad. He let me kiss him. He didn't leave, he didn't even ask me what I was doing."

"But you left."

"I had to."

"Why?"

"Because I can't believe I did something so idiotic. I couldn't be there any longer." He ran a hand through his hair.

The door knob started turning. Fuck. He hadn't locked it.

Neil stepped inside and Andrew didn't have to turn around to know that his gaze was stuck on him.

"I'll just um- go then." Nicky said.

Fuck, why did he have to scare easily? God, Andrew knew he looked more idiotic than Josten ever had. He couldn't even turn around, it was like he'd been frozen to this spot.

"Andrew."

"Fuck off. Couldn't you tell I didn't want to see you?"

"I'm stupid, remember?" He walked over to stand in front of him and lifted Andrew's chin to meet his eyes.

"Why'd you run?" Neil asked quietly.

"Why'd you let me kiss you?"

"I asked you first."

"Too bad, it's your turn." 

Andrew wanted nothing more than to turn away but Neil had his chin in a death grip.

"It was nice, I haven't been kissed in a really long time."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"Rephrase the question." He mocked.

Andrew's heart made a reappearance at that moment and started flying towards Neil's open palm.

"I-um. I..."

And now he was stuttering? Who the hell was this because it sure wasn't Andrew Minyard.

"It's okay, you know."

"I didn't ask you how it was for you. Let go of that and get out of here."

"I can't. It's grown on me, I'm keeping it."

His heart was smiling from Neil's shoulder.

"That's not your decision to make."

"I'd say it's not yours. You should listen to your heart sometimes."

"Oh fuck you. Don't tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing. Do you see that? Look very closely at my heart, see how it looks nothing like Matt's? That right there is your visual of exactly all the shit I have been through.

"So forgive me if I don't immediately take the route of the cheesy romantic comedy and 'follow my heart.' You should really go, you shouldn't be here."

"Where else would I be?" He released his chin and focused on Andrew's heart instead.

He let it flutter back to his palm and looked at it for a long time before saying anything.

"I've seen worse on my own chest."

Neil handed Andrew his heart and that was it. He was sure his heart would have tried to follow Neil out but both of them were too shocked to even move an inch.

*

"And he just left?" Nicky asked.

"Yes, he left. I told you that the first five times. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?"

Andrew never should have kissed Josten in the first place. It was an idiotic move, he can't believe he'd done it.

"You made the first move, it's his turn now."

"Didn't he make a move back by following me?"

Nicky thought about this for a moment before answering.

"No, that was just Neil being Neil. The ball's in his court."

-

"Andrew?"

He was going to ask about this, wasn't he?

"What?" He said, trying to hide how nervous he was from his face.

"Does Kevin really have a girlfriend?"

That had to be about the last thing he expected Josten to ask.

"Her name's Thea, she's an ex-Raven."

"But I thought his true love was the Court." Neil said and it really sounded like he was being serious.

Andrew never usually laughed over something besides his own misery but he couldn't help cracking up over that.

"Tell that to her."

"Andrew."

Josten's tone had changed. He really was going to ask now, wasn't he?

"What do you want now?"

"It's my turn."

"Congratulations." 

"And I want to take it now." Neil said avoiding Andrew's eyes.

"The floor is yours, Josten." He made a sweeping motion with his hand.

"Why did you kiss me? I always thought you hated me and then you said it would never be anything but you kissed me. Why?"

"I hate you ninety two percent of the time with my head but my heart doesn't ever seem to hate you. My heart kissed you." He walked over to sit in the beanbag chair beside Neil.

Andrew stopped inches in front of him. 

"Tell me no."

"Yes." Neil said immediately.

"Idiot." Andrew said but kissed him anyways.

-

"What is this?" Neil asked when they were sitting side by side later that same day.

Andrew didn't even glance up from his book.

"This is nothing."

"What?"

"I thought you were just stupid. Do you need a hearing aid too? Nothing. Now shut up, I'm trying to read."

Neil made a point to frown but did as Andrew asked.

 

He knew that because they weren't alone in the suite, that wouldn't be the end of it. He wasn't even surprised when Nicky confronted him about it later.

"Nothing? Your heart lept out of your fucking chest for him and that's nothing to you??" He asked leaning against the door so Andrew couldn't get past him.

Out of all the times to be five foot and not an inch more, this was the worst yet.

"It is nothing which is why I said it. Everyone leaves. No one cares about me, he's going to run like he has with everything else in life. 

"No matter how hard you try to make them stay, they never do. And that is reason number one out of eighty million for why I don't let anyone in. Especially not people who are young and wide-eyed like Neil Josten. Now get out of the way, Kevin's waiting for me."

Nicky took a second to let the impact of Andrew's words hit him.

"How can you hate who you are so much that you've forced yourself to believe such twisted things?"

"It's easy when you've had the practice. And speaking of practice, I have to get to one. Move."

Ages later, he did and Andrew pushed open the door into the hallway and took the stairs two at a time on his way to the parking lot.

— 

“There is no ‘this.’ How long will it take for you to get that through your thick head, Josten?” Andrew asked moving further away from Neil.

“So, your heart just lept out of your chest for nothing?”

“Precisely.” He starting picking at his hangnails as an excuse to avoid Neil’s eyes. He knew Josten was a lot smarter than he looked and he could feel what he was about to say but it still shocked him when he did.

“You told me that it happens when you love someone. What does that mean for us then?”

“There’s no us.” He sighed loudly.

“What does it mean?” Neil asked again.

“It doesn’t mean anything. It just.. happened. Forget about it.”

“I can’t. I’ve been trying to but I just can’t. It has to mean something. Find me whenever you figure out what that’s supposed to be.” 

Andrew wanted to tell Neil not to go, he wanted to tell him to stay. But he couldn’t because that would mean he cared about him. And he didn’t. Right?

 

It took him a few hours to finally drag himself down the hall. He’d seen Matt and the rest of the upperclassmen go to the parking lot, he knew Neil wouldn’t follow.

The door was open when he tried the handle. Idiot.

“What do you want, Andrew?” Neil asked not looking away from the computer in front of him.

“I could have been Nicky.”

“He came by an hour ago to tell me he was going out, I said no. What do you want, I’m busy here.”

He walked across the room to stand behind him.

“First of all, the snappy tone. That’s my thing. Look at me for one fucking second, Josten.” Andrew grabbed Neil’s hair, using a lot less force than he would have months ago.

“Are you going to tell me what you want or not?” Neil tried to meet his eyes from the awkward angle Andrew was tilting his head.

“I don’t want anything.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“Where else would I be?” He sighed untangling his hand from his hair.

“What?”

“If anyone else, especially Nicky, asks then this never happened. Understand?” He put his hand in his jacket pocket and started to look for something.

“Why would Nicky ask.. no. What would Nicky ask about?”

“Just say you understand before I change my mind, idiot.”

Neil raised an eyebrow but nodded.

“Don’t read more into this than what it is. It wants to be with you and I don’t want Kevin or Aaron to see it. Nicky seeing it was bad enough. Just... just- here.” He held out his arm and opened his palm to Neil.

His heart flew to Neil immediately. He picked it up between his thumb and pointer finger and held it in front of him.

“Are you serious?”

“No, Josten. It was a joke, give it back. Of course I’m serious. Take it.”

“Why?” He extended his arm further but Andrew just shook his head.

“I already explained it. This isn’t going to be like it was with the phone again. Just take it. I’m giving it to you. Don’t turn this into a big thing or even a thing at all.” Andrew left before Neil could argue.

— 

"Andrew."

Neil grabbed onto his arm but he just shook him off and started to move again.

"Whatever it is, can it wait? We've been on the bus for hours and we're finally stopping."

"No, it really can't."

Andrew sighed loudly then sat back down.

"What?"

"What are we doing here?" He asked.

"Going to our away game at Baltimore? Jesus, are you blind, deaf, and clueless now?"

"That's not what I meant and you know it." He said glaring at him.

“I gave you my heart because that’s where it wanted to go but it doesn’t mean anything. How many times do I have to say it to you? This is nothing, you..."

Neil cut him off, "Are nothing, I know. But you always told me that nothing was exactly what you wanted. The only thing you wanted actually."

"I hate you more and more with every passing day, Josten." Andrew said closing his eyes and pressing a hand to his temple.

"Hate's a four letter word."

Neil then did the bravest thing Andrew had seen him do, he leaned over his seat and kissed him. It took him by surprise so much that he didn't even push him off and leaned into it. Maybe this had been somewhat close to what he'd wanted. Not that Andrew would ever admit such a thing, even to himself.

\-- 

The Foxes had won their game against Baltimore and Neil had told Andrew he was amazing. This was supposed to be a great night, right? 

Wrong.

There was a riot of fans the moment they left the arena. They'd all come out of it broken in some way or another.

Andrew thought they were safe when they finally got on the bus. But that was until he took a look around and saw someone was missing. Where the hell was Neil?

He wasn't the only one to notice, he was just the first. Boyd noticed next, then Nicky, Dan, Kevin, and the others finally clued in.

He braced himself against the seat, he didn't care what anyone else thought. He finally had had something, someone. And Neil was just taken from him.

He started to hyperventilate, he'd never done this before. He drew his knees up to his chest.

Nicky sat down in the seat across from him, Neil's spot.

"Andrew? Tell me what you need." 

His voice was more fragile than Andrew himself had ever heard it, “I need Neil." 

The only flaw in that plan was, he had no fucking idea where Josten was.

Wait.

A few weeks ago, Kevin had said something about how Riko knew who Neil was. He had to know something too, didn't he?

He didn't even move closer, just raised his voice and looked to him.

"Kevin."

His teammate turned around to look at him.

"What do you know about this?"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Nothing. I don't know anything about any of this." 

"You seemed to know a lot more about 'who he is' than you were letting on. Where the fuck is he?" He used air quotes to punctuate but the tone of voice he was using would have been enough.

"Don't point your accusing finger at me. I don't know where he is."

"Cut the bullshit. Where did he go, Kevin?" Andrew asked with an icy glare.

He didn't care how this was beginning to look for everyone else.

"How am I supposed to know?"

"He's your pet, where did he go?"

Andrew didn't have time to fuck around. Neil was gone and he didn't even have a fucking clue where he could be. He started towards Kevin and stopped in front of him.

"I don't know!"

Andrew grabbed Kevin by his shirt collar and lifted him up. How he managed to do that, he had no idea but he didn't spare a moment to think about it. The only thing that mattered was Neil.

"Where is he? Why did he leave us?!" 

It took everything he had not to say, why did he leave him.

"I don't know! Why do you even care? You don't even- oh my God." Kevin pulled away from Andrew. He had this look in his eye, like everything was suddenly so much clearer to him.

"What? Did you figure out where he is?" He asked frantically. God he didn't even care how he sounded right now. He had no idea where Neil was and that terrified Andrew.

Kevin's next sentence was enough to make Andrew lose his breath.

"Oh my God, you love him."

"What are you talking about? I hate Neil." Andrew said defensively trying to hide the fluttering of his heart and the butterflies in his stomach.

"No, you don't. You love him, that's why you care. You love Neil."

"If you don't stop talking right now, I swear to God you're going to regret it Kevin."

Kevin then did something very dangerous. He reached out to Andrew and placed his hand on his arm.

"Look, I don't know where he is but we're going to find him. I promise. We'll find him together."

"I don't care about finding him, I don't even-"   
Andrew started but he let his sentence trail off, he didn't even know where it was leading. He just knew he needed to be with Neil.

"We're going to get to him. No matter what. There's a lot you need to know before we do though."

And so, Kevin told Andrew everything. He did figure out Neil's secrets after all, just not in the way he imagined he would.

 

“I’m sorry, he really should have been the one to tell you. But I couldn’t wait for him to, not after this.” Kevin looked at him but Andrew couldn’t tear his gaze away from his hands.

He knew this was cheesy but he couldn’t stop thinking about how it felt when he dragged his thumb across Neil’s lips or how his fingers fit perfectly in the spaces between his own.

He felt something stinging at the corner of his eyes. It was wet. Was he crying? Andrew never cried and he wasn't the type who just said that he never cried and cried rarely, he never ever cried.

He didn't even have it in him to wipe at his eyes and pretend he wasn't crying. 

“Can you leave please?” He asked quietly.

Andrew didn’t have to look up to know that the other boy was shocked by his words. He’d never asked someone for anything that nicely in his life, not even Neil. 

He thought Kevin would have said something, anything maybe just about his tears. He knew he had to have seen them.But he only nodded slightly and walked back over to where the rest of the team was.

Andrew knelt to pick up Neil’s bag and saw something he never expected to find again. His heart. God, he’d given that to Neil weeks ago. He hadn’t expected to get it back. 

Neil promised to take it with him wherever he went. He didn’t even have to finish his sentence before he agreed. What had happened to him and what was this feeling in the pit of his stomach?

Andrew had never felt like this before in his life. He’d say it felt like someone had ripped his heart out but that came out on its on accord. His lungs were in his throat, he couldn’t stop staring at this poor little thing. It looked like nothing, it didn’t stand a chance against anything out here. He was surprised it hadn’t gotten trampled in the shitstorm that caused them to lose Neil.

Shit. He’d missed something on his heart the first time. It was breaking, actually breaking. It must have been trying to do this for a while. He probably looked past it when it was bouncing around his room. But now it was almost there. His heart was barely in one piece. The slightest blow of the wind could tear it in half.

Neil really had meant that much to him. Kevin was right, Andrew loved him more than he knew. 

Shit, again. Neil had meant so much more than thank you for putting effort into the game. He’d really been thanking Andrew for everything he’d done. Giving him his heart, watching his back, kissing him, giving him a home, telling him to stay. That explained the look on Neil's face when he said it. He looked like it was the most important thing in the world. Oh fuck.

He was going to find Josten if it was the last thing he did and whoever took him from Andrew, he was going to tear out their throat with his bare hands.

-

So much had happened in such a short amount of time. The FBI had found Neil but they didn't call him Neil, they called him Nathaniel. Whoever he was, Andrew didn't care. He just needed to get to him.

He could barely sit still. Kevin had to tell him to sit down on the bus to their hotel.

"We'll get to him. Don't worry."

He had to talk about something else, anything else. He couldn't keep thinking of Neil. He was driving himself insane. 

"Kevin?"

"I said don't worry."

"No, it's not that. Earlier- you saw me crying, didn't you? Why didn't you say anything?"

"It wasn't my place to."

"What’s that supposed to mean?”

"You lost Neil, you had more important things to deal with than me asking if you're okay which we both know you never are. You didn't look like you wanted anyone to know. Why would I draw attention to that? It wasn't the right thing to do at the time, the right thing was to pretend I didn't see it."

Andrew didn't know what to say to that so he just nodded and looked out the window until they got to there.

All of the Foxes, even Wymack and Abby, were shoved into the front area of a single hotel room with the promise they'd see Neil or at least what was left of him.

A man in all black walked in to address them.

"Now then, this is going to be really quick. You should all consider yourselves lucky, he wouldn't say anything until we let him see you. That Nathaniel knows how to get what he wants. You'll have twenty minutes with him and that'll be it."

"That's bullshit." Andrew said without meaning to. He just meant to think that.

"Watch your mouth, this isn't a courtesy to you. We don't have to be doing this." The man replied with a pointed glare.

"Don't act like you're doing us a favour. You took him away from us, fuck all of you and your fucking bureau."

"I forgot to mention, you get one warning and you already had yours. Take him next door, he doesn't get to see Nathaniel anymore." 

Someone had already appeared beside Andrew and was yanking him up by his arm.

"What? You can't do that!" Nicky said speaking for the first time since they'd lost Neil.

"I can and I am, do you want to go with him?"

"That's really fucked up." Wymack added glaring at the man in front of them.

"You too, both of them. Next door, now."

Andrew shut his eyes and clutched to his small heart in his pocket. He could almost feeling it breaking. He had to get to Neil, whatever it took.

-

Andrew didn't even register the fact that he was handcuffed to Coach's until he had to try and break out of it.

"I tried that for fifteen minutes, it's not budging."

"Fuck." He put his head in his hands.

"Listen."

Andrew didn't even look up.

"Andrew Joseph Minyard, look at me."

He lifted his head, just barely.

"I'm not leaving this state until you see him and that's a promise I'm going to take to my grave. We'll figure something out."

 

Andrew's calm streak went out the window when he heard Neil's voice next door.

"Where's-" 

That was all he needed to get moving. He pushed past the guards and dragged Wymack with him to the next room.

"Hey-" A voice behind him said. 

Almost immediately, Wymack's followed with, "Leave it."

Andrew didn't care about any of that. All that existed was Neil.

Neil's head turned around at the noise. He didn't even speak, just looked at Andrew.

God. Those eyes. Andrew had missed them more than anything.

Neil tried to get to him but he winced and fell to his knees. Idiot. Andrew went to him instead and steadied him.

Neil managed a weak, "Hey."

"Shut up."

"I'm sorry."

"I said shut up."

"I told you to take him next door. Get him out of here. He lost his right to see Nathaniel." The man from earlier said.

"Are you shitting me right now??? You said I got twenty minutes with them, he's one of them. Stop adding new rules to this bullshit and taking up my time. Take those off them and let me do what I have to."

Andrew had never seen this side of Neil but he had to say he liked it.

"You surprise me more and more, every single day." He said turning Neil back towards him.

"What did they do to you? They could have blinded you." 

Fuck. Neil had noticed the drop of blood in his eye.

"I'm fine." Andrew waved him off. He didn't want to waste their time talking about him.

The idiot had the nerve to laugh, "That's supposed to be my line."

"Shut up."

"I really am sorry."

"What part of shut up don't you understand?"

"I'm stupid, remember?" He smiled.

"Stupid enough to forget that I told you not to be a martyr?"

"Exactly that stupid."

Neil turned to look at the other Foxes and finally let Abby see the damage.

"Oh my God." She was on her feet within seconds.

Andrew turned to her.

"Don't come near us." He warned in an icy tone.

"Andrew, I need to look at him. He's injured."

"I really wouldn't if I were you."

"Andrew." Neil said tapping his finger on his cheekbone.

Fuck. He couldn't say no to him. Neil had Andrew wrapped around his finger and he finally had realized it now.

"Hey." He said having had enough and turning Andrew back towards him.

"Shut up."

"I'm sorry. I was going to tell you."

"When." Andrew wasn't asking.

"That night but they were there in the locker room."

"Who was?" One of the agents asked.

Neil switched to German in a heartbeat.

"It wasn't security. It was my father's people catching up to me."

Andrew held up his hand that wasn't in Neil's. He didn't even remember how that had happened, he guessed Neil must have taken it when he was distracted.

"I don't even care about that. I care about you. I care about..." 

God, he couldn't say it.

"I care about us too. Do you have it? I noticed in the car that I dropped it. I really did mean to take it with me, I promise. I would never leave your heart behind." 

Neil looked at him hopefully.

Andrew barely nodded and pulled it out of his pocket. He didn't even care that the rest of the Foxes could see. This wasn't about them. It was about him and Neil. Nothing else mattered.

Neil placed his hands on top of Andrew's. He tried to look at his heart but for such a small person, Josten had really big hands.

Andrew felt something shift against his palms. Was it.. oh no.

His heart was breaking, wasn't it?

God. Why did this always happen to him?

Neil moved his hand slightly and Andrew got a look at his own heart.

It was almost completely broken in half. The only part still hanging on was the very end of it and even that was fleeting. The smile that Neil had put on it was long gone. It had a deep frown with set lines and red puffy eyes to match.

Neil took one look at Andrew and then brought his eyes back to his heart.

He put a hand on top of Andrew's and led his to push his heart back together. Neil did the same with his free hand.

Andrew once read that the person who broke your heart couldn't be the one to fix it but apparently whoever wrote that hadn't met Neil Josten or whatever his name was now.

It took a moment but then Andrew's heart lit up and flew to nudge Neil's cheek. Andrew didn't even care that everyone else saw this. He was with Neil and they were both okay and that was all that mattered.

"I'm sorry that I broke it in the first place." Neil said still speaking German.

"You didn't do it alone, you just drove it over the edge."

He put his hand on top of Andrew's.

"I'm still sorry I helped."

"Stop apologizing for shit that wasn't even your fault. I don't care about that. I care that you're here right in front of me, more or less safe." Andrew ran a hand through his hair.

"Safe." Neil said it like the world felt foreign on his tongue.

"What now?" He asked with a pointed look.

"I have to talk to you about that. They want to put me in the Witness Protection Program so that my father's people can't find me. I don't want..." Neil stopped himself.

"Andrew. If you tell me to leave, I'll go."

He looked Neil directly in the eyes as he responded, "You aren't going anywhere."

Andrew looked up at Kevin and the rest of the Foxes and spoke in English, "They can't take you from us, you're a Fox. You're ours."

"Take you? Take you where? For questioning or away?" Matt asked, having finally caught on.

"Both." The agent who sent Andrew away replied.

"That's not your decision to make, it's Neil's." Nicky said with a fire that Andrew hadn't seen from him before.

"What part of go to hell do you need us to explain to you?" Allison asked.

"Could you try and talk some sense into your players here, Coach?" The same agent asked.

"Doesn't look to me like they need it. It seems like their heart is in exactly the right place."

"Don't any of you care about Nathaniel's safety?"

"The safest place for Neil is with me." Andrew replied flatly but anyone with a brain could tell he believed in this firmly.

"Neil is not a real person, he's an alias. He doesn't exist."

"Whoever the hell he is, he belongs with Andrew and with us." Kevin spoke up.

"Andrew." Neil turned him back towards him.

"I'm not leaving you, not ever again. Wherever they take you, they're taking us both." He whispered in German.

"I was going to say you're squeezing my hand too tightly but I wouldn't have it any other way." He said smiling.

"Shut up." Andrew said but his words didn't have any heat attached to them.

"Whatever you want." Neil couldn't keep the smile off his face.

He had scabs and bruises all over him and then there were the burns on his face but Andrew had never seen him look happier.

“Neil.” He said barely above a whisper.

“Andrew?” He asked.

“If you ever fucking do that again, I’ll kill you myself.” He warned, letting his fingers tighten on the other boy’s wrist.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that.”

“I am though, sorry.”

Andrew released Neil’s arm and shook his head before mumbling, “One hundred and two.”

*

The past three days had been the longest of Andrew's life. Granted he didn't really have to do much, that was on Neil but the days still felt like years. The FBI had more questions than he'd thought possible.He couldn't wait to get back to campus. Andrew never thought he'd find himself thinking that. 

"Neil." He said nudging him with the tip of his elbow.

"Mmm." Neil mumbled back half asleep.

"Wake the fuck up." He added jostling him.

He didn't even lift his head.

"Neil, sleepy." 

"Josten."

"Josleep." Neil said curling up against the window.

"Neil."

"I'm asleep."

"No, you're not."

"Am so. Goodnight."

Andrew had to do this now or else he was afraid he never would. He leaned over to kiss Neil's cheek. That got him up right away.

"You have my attention." Neil sat up and turned to him.

"I um."

Fuck, how was he supposed to say this?

"You're losing me, Minyard."

"I love you."

"W-what?"

If Andrew was going to say this again, he didn't want anyone else in the car to hear and think he'd gone soft. He switched to German before continuing.

"I said I love you. I never actually talk about my feelings and you know that but I'm going to for one second. Those words never meant anything to me in my life, they were just empty words.

"They didn't hold any kind of weight. They didn't matter. But then they took you after the game. I didn't know what to do with myself, I felt crushed. I thought you were fucking dead, Josten.”

Neil cut in with, “You should be so lucky.”

“Shut up, I’m trying to talk. You don’t get to talk now. Where was I? Oh right. And that moment was when I realized that shit, nothing else mattered if you weren't there and then well, all of that other shit happened. I don't know how else to explain that other than those three words." He put his hand on top of Neil's.

Neil sighed deeply and leaned back in his seat.

"What?" Andrew asked.

"Thank God you said it first."

"Josten, what is your problem? I mean other than the obvious."

"I've loved you since we started this. I just didn't know how to say it, I wasn't even sure you would want to hear it. But you said it so now I can say it back. I love you Andrew Minyard."

"Shut up." He said fixing Neil's bangs.

"No, I love you. I'm not going to shut up."

Andrew looked to Neil with intention. 

"Yes or no?"

"It's always yes."

He felt like Neil had more to say but he cut him off by kissing him.


End file.
